Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches

I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.

I named him Gasper.

[at a fire sale]

Me: one fire, please

Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer

{4 way stop}

Aliens: *radioing home base* We really need to give up on this planet

I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song

THEN WHY IS HE WEARING A BOWTIE? I WANT TO GIVE HIM SPAGHETTI

Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”

Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?

Me: Yeah, it was nice.

Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.

Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.

A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird

Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.

12yo: Why?

Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.

Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?

I can easily control the weather.

– buy a new $600 snowblower: no snow all winter
– spend $2000 on new gutters: severe drought
– buy steaks to grill outside: Sharknado

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*

When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

I’m getting really irritated. This is the tenth ATM I’ve been to in the last week that’s had “insufficient funds”.

The cats activated the rainbow portal again

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus

So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.

My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”

A scary book should be called a boOoOok.

I hate it when people write tweets with the algorithm in mind. Everyone’s trying to Taylor their content to what’s popular. I’m Swift ly losing patience with this.

“WHAT IS THAT NOISE?”
“Mom…”
“IS IT DEATH METAL?”
“It’s…”
“ARE YOU A DEVIL WORSHIPPER?!”
“One Direction.”
“ARE YOU GONNA KILL THE DOG?!”

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!