@Home_Halfway

{At concert}
“JUMP AROUND! JUMP AROUND! JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN!!”
A group of baby bunnies: HELL YES THIS IS OUR SONG

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@geekysteven

If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.

@bulls_horns

1. Pour milk on floor.
2. Ask which kid did it.
3. Send them to their rooms when they don’t admit it.
4. Enjoy peaceful evening.

@BobGolen

“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”

@KendellMadden

“I know, right?!!” Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed.
Lesson learned.

@MomOnFire

When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.

@bobvulfov

[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted

@TheAlexP

*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*

@Fred_Delicious

Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?

@VolatileVani

I’m outside my kid’s door, listening to him and his friends rank hot moms & I’m apparently second so now I guess I have to kill Billy’s mom.

@dyldonot

my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be