I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
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Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
(mcdonalds drive thru employee hands me bag) wow that was fast. you must’ve made this before
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
*takes you to Starbucks to remember your name..
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
I went to a fortune teller and he told me a lot of money was coming my way.
I walked out really excited, then I got hit by a Securicor van.
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
MY GRANDMA: The doctor says I’m standard.
ME: That’s not what STD is short for Grandma.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?