{At concert}
A group of baby bunnies: HELL YES THIS IS OUR SONG

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If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.


1. Pour milk on floor.
2. Ask which kid did it.
3. Send them to their rooms when they don’t admit it.
4. Enjoy peaceful evening.


“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”

“It’s my carrion.”


“I know, right?!!” Is the WRONG thing to say when my neighbor tells me that his wife is wild in bed.
Lesson learned.


When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.


[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted


*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*


Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?


I’m outside my kid’s door, listening to him and his friends rank hot moms & I’m apparently second so now I guess I have to kill Billy’s mom.


my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be