Burnt ma Hawaiian pizza today
Shoulda cooked it on aloha temperature
“JUMP AROUND! JUMP AROUND! JUMP UP JUMP UP AND GET DOWN!!”
A group of baby bunnies: HELL YES THIS IS OUR SONG
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No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
“So let’s name the turtles after the most influential artists and their sensei we’ll name after this lil piece of wood stuck in my foot”
If Bruce Willis does any more Die Hard movies it will just be 90 minutes of him sitting in a rocking chair waiting to die from the flu.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?