Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet

You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.

If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.

“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”

-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.

🤣🤣🤣

Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

No, I don’t think I’m a vampire. I just bite people that I think look delicious. That’s a totally normal human thing to do.

i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police

Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*

Doctor: What brings you in today?

ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books

My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer

Funny that all this nonsense just stayed in people’s heads before Twitter came along.

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.

I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair

Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.

Them: What are you wearing?

Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.

A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”

Thought it would be romantic to recreate the 12 Days of Christmas, but having 23 game birds indoors is actually a hellish nightmare.

[entering room bloody and beaten] yeah well you should see the other guy! not a scratch on him. pristine condition. altogether more pleasing to look at. huge muscles

Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.

Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it