Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

My favorite thing to do at a rock and roll concert is to yell “kiss, kiss, kiss” every time the guitarists stand close together and face each other to riff

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.

I was heating up some kimchi fried rice in the microwave when IT EXPLODED WITH A HUGE BOOM and I opened it up like WTF because there was rice and kimchi everywhere.

My wife: Maybe that was from North Korea.

when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig

I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.

In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.

What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?

I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.

I have one of those big paintings with the eyeholes cut out but I don’t have anyone to spy on so I just watch TV through it.

just got off an incredibly depressing and frustrating phone call with my evil health insurance company who actively wants me to die, time to take a big sip of coffee and check the news

Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.

All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.

INSTRUCTIONS:

1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.

“You’re only as old as you feel.”

Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.

Fight

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”

Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?

ME: slowly

7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.

Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth

Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”

Adding, “I’ll tell you THAT for free…” leaves the door open to sending an invoice at other times.

Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”

I said ” scissors” and drove off