At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Mum to child: Have you got a sticker we could use?
Child produces 6 billion.
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
Christmas can be really hard for single people. Everyone else is having a brilliant time and we have to hide the fact that every day is like that for us.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
7: are eggs vegetables?
10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
I enjoy excess
*notices my doctor is listening*
but only in moderation
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
I turn hot dog water into ice cubes for house guests I don’t like
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
