Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I see

Mandalorian Number Five

Dad:

Mom:

Two year old with over developed brain: Mother. Father. I do not mean to bother you but it seems I’ve soiled the crib. I tried cleaning it up but my arms are too small for me to-

Mom: Why do you have a brutish accent?

Dad: That’s the question you wanna ask?

Henry VIII would be glad to know that in a post-Game Of Thrones world he actually seems pretty chill

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

Tried to straighten the wrinkles in my socks. I wasn’t wearing any.

If you’re willing to wait long enough, a closer parking spot near the gym will open up and you can let someone else have it while you go get donuts.

what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?

Whenever a news article says the world’s oldest person has died, they never mention the suspects. Who stands to gain from this? Did they have any enemies? What about the second oldest person? What’s their alibi?

It’s Journalism 101, people!

My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee

I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.

I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?

My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.

She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.

Me: my grandfather was George Washington

Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather

Me: i mean he was okay

Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”

Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question

Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.

Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers

Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!

Him : Which one?

Me : I only have one face, Carl.

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

ME: i trained this chicken to talk

HER: let’s see

ME: what’s a male deer

CHICKEN: buck

ME: how much is 200 pennies

CHICKEN: buck buck

HER: this sucks

ME: it gets better

CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen

Doc I keep throwing up

Did u eat anything odd lately

No

What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”

You said eat, idiot

My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”

I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home