@mack44_d

*at confessional

Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’

Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’

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@iwearaonesie

cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

@daveexplosm

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

@notsoevilrick

I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.

@Thynebear

[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.

@XplodingUnicorn

I love strapping my kids into their car seats.

It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.

@TheNYAMProject

My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.

Well-played, kid. Well-played.

@roxiqt

In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.

@AmirTalai

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?