cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
You Might Also Like
…it’s on the house 😉
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was going to switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?