Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

me: tries to sleep.

clock: i think i’m going to karaoke in Morse code now.

BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*

ME: perfect, thanks

BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*

VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great

I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.

*calls into work*

“yo boss i’m real sick”

“you don’t sound sick…”

“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”

“wow u do sound hella sick”

anyone have any tips for making eggs that won’t leave my toaster a huge mess?

Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”

-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no variety

Exclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”

-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you

When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me

Getting married lost its appeal as soon as I figured out that acquiring a maid of honor wasn’t going to get my floors washed.

Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry

if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.

If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.

Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive

For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective

you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?

you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school

Earth Day…

…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!

Me: *skips*

My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE

*in the car*

7yo: I can count to 100,000

5yo: oh yeah, then do it

me: no

coworker: we’re all gonna go to dinner next thursday. you in?

me: no thanks i’m not hungry

In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play

I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.