Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury

My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped

Boss: i’m taking off today. if nothing urgent happens you can leave 2 hours early.

me: thanks!

server, 10 mins before I could leave early: hey – hi. *cough. dies*

When you’re dirty and dripping wet, moaning from pleasure, you know those were some good chicken wings.

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?

SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.

DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?

SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling

former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Wedding $600,000,000
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying

Horror movies are so unrealistic. I mean, if you start living in an abandoned mansion, the biggest thing you have to clean is the pigeon droppings and not dust.

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg

me: try harder.

The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.

(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”

“thats $2,380”

(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”

[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

My great grandmother used say that things were better in Russia before the revolution, but I think she was being Tsarcastic.

Today is the day I go back to the gym.

Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.

Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.

Me:He was much better at fighting than me.

Police:Ok is there anything else?

I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.

“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

So that’s what we looked like?

Okay this one takes it home