At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
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[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
My favorite part of Furiosa is when that guy gets killed and falls off a moving vehicle.
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Just banged my head but unfortunately it didn’t knock any more sense into it.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Guinea pigs aren’t real pets. You buy them when your kids are begging for a dog, but you want to make them sad instead.
4yo: What do you love most in the world?
Me: You & your brother
4yo: Oh
Me: What about you?
4yo: The fire tree in Plants vs. Zombies
Me: Oh