Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.

I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.

Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.

*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*

Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend

And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.

Bromans 4:19

welp

I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.

my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time

[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.

HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….

Me: But…

I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

I just found out Canada isn’t real

Turns out it was all mapleleaf

Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence

director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.

Hey dude that invented the unicycle…

Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle

Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE

*Really attractive person waves at me in their car*-*I wave back enthusiastically*-*realizes they were just putting their visor down*

Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.

Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.

Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…

Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].

Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.

Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.

7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside

ME: [explains daylight savings time]

7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.

Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst

Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.

there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples

ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,

ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?