[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
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ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
[funeral]
He looks so natural.
Ya, but he looks a little stiff.
*raises from the dead*
“That’s what… *gargle* …she said.”
*dies again*
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
I cleaned the door glass and one of the dogs is barking at his reflection. That tells you how filthy the windows were.
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
[on a first date]
Me: sure, I’d love to see your basement
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
DATING TIP: IF YOU EAT A MAGNET AND SLIP ANOTHER MAGNET INTO YOUR DATE’S DINNER SHE’LL NEVER BE ABLE TO LEAVE YOU
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too