Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bring back the McRib

Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?

Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes

Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.

Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.

*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*

[First Date. Full moon]

Her: You looked different in your profile picture.

Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar

The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.

Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”

dark side of the loom

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler

fedex guy: here’s ur package

me: thanks

fedex guy: sign please

me: [blushing] Pisces

Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.

“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”

I can’t believe how different life was before

*googles*

Al Gore invented the Internet

“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer

Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.

Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.

Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?

Me: no, is he any good?

Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites

*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*

*Passing a note to a co-worker* can you trip me when I walk by so I have to go home? Circle yes or no.

[having a little snack before bed]

Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.