Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

[Me as a Realtor]

BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted

Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.

opens dishwasher…

Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot

I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.

lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg

Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.

Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.

Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.

I wish this was real life…

I’m not saying they’re stupid, but certain people I know would use a broom on a fire extinguisher after reading “sweep side to side”

Me : It’s over & nothing you say will make me change my mind

Him : ‘I just ordered a large thin crust’

Me : Be there in 10 min

Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store

OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?

Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.

I buy blocks of cheese.

For the grater good.

big day for dogs who love to absolutely lose their shit when the doorbell rings

ME: Hey they’re playing our song.

HER: This isn’t our song.

ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.

It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence

I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.

My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.

One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song

banker: you’re spending more than you bring in

me: god forbid i’m good at something

Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…

Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.

I confessed to my 14 year old that for the last 3 months I’ve been putting supermarket own ketchup in a Heinz ketchup bottle and he’s been happily eating it without noticing. Shit is going to go down.

Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum

If I ever become a ghost, I sure hope they have some options other than pottery.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.