Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.

COWORKER: Thanks for your help on that project. You’re a peach!
ME: I am a peach! I’m round, I’m fuzzy, and according to my urologist, I have a HUGE stone inside me!

My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.

What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?

Unemployed

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

My zodiac sign is pistachio

People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.

So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.

Growing up my half brother convinced me the family of ginger kids in the next street – me also being ginger – were from my Dad’s previous marriage, but told me not to tell anyone. When Dad died I visited them to let them know. You could imagine the confusion as the lie unfolded

You drop ONE baby and everyone’s all like, “Quit juggling babies Steve. You’re the worst babysitter ever!”

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

Tom Cruise turns 60 Sunday. The reason he looks so young is because he donated half his age to Scientology.

I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

93% of men in the 1930s ate their lunch while sitting on the edge of scaffolding at the top of unfinished skyscrapers in New York city.

Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?

I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?

Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.

mario: one-a margherita pizza with-a fresh mozzarella

wario: one-a wargherita pizza with-a fresh wozzarella

Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??

Octopus:

Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car

Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.

Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.

crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

6: that’s none of your business

4: it IS my business

6:

4: what does business mean