At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
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How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
Breaking news:
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
I just got lied to by 3557 people. That recipe was awful.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
Call me old-fashioned, but I thought we’d pretty much sorted the design of the cup.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
I’m 43 years old and still ask if I’ll need a shot and expect a lollipop every time I go to the doctor.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
So inspired right now.
why are we keeping it a secret where i’m supposed to tap my debit card. why am i slowly sliding it around the screen like i am cracking a safe
*writing suicide letter
Goodbye cruel world. Your going to really miss me when I’m gone…
Cat: *you’re
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder