Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.

victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*

murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again

New research in early toy-purchase psychology has found that the majority of parents subconsciously hope their children become xylophonists.

Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.

THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.

HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.

Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats

Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise

Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people

ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once

GIRL: holy cow how did you survive

ME: I fell off the bottom rung

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

If you ever see me eating cheese straight out of the bag for dinner no you didn’t.

why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta

My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit

90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.

The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?

Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.

The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.

A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.

For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.

“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.

8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?

Me: Is he the one with the PS4?

8: Yes.

Me: And motorized scooter?

8: Yes.

Me: And trampoline?

8: Can you drive me to his house?

Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!

Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

A pie where there isn’t pastry on the bottom isn’t a pie. It’s soup with a hat.

[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀