Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Here are 5 things you should know about me:

1. I’m very secretive

I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.

Or help them move.

nurse: height

me: i’m 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything

my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey

Me: 🙂

Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it

Me: 😐

Facial recognition: noooo?

Me: 🤨

Facial recognition: no

Me: 😒

Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no

Me: 🥴

Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE

A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.

OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY

BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.

Husband: “Did you go outside in the rain?”

Me: “No. I bathed the kids.”

3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.

I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.

DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry

Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes

If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.

him: I’m gonna kill you

me: oh no

him: with kindness

me: awww

him: kindness is my pet wolf

me: oh no again

How do you know you been on your phone too much?

Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!

hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly

My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.

The walls, too.

Yup, and ceiling.

Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..

Is fake venison called venisn’t

(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?

I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.

Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.

*watching a billionaire above me burn 300 gallons of fuel flying to applebees* oh no i didn’t bring my own bag to the store

All of Star Wars is basically just about flying through different kinds of canyons. The plot is only there to create reasons to fly through canyons

I maintain neutrality in any situation by remaining clueless.

Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.

I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.