[at dave’s who has like 9 dogs]
me: “what d’you call a fly with no wings”
dave: “keith dont”
me: “a WALK!”
[drowns in a tidal wave of dogs]
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Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
[after bowling]
Me: that was fun
Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball
Me: it helps me aim
[later in bed]
Me: *whispering* bo-
Her: -no
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
When your toilet is getting married, what’s the appropriate gift?
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
It do be feeling this way.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: But why?
HER: There’s just no chemistry between us anymore
CHEMISTRY: Wow, I’m like right here
So glad we cleared that up
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
