Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one

“you changed” bro i was 15

I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.

[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]

peter jackson: great scene

sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”

Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming

*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*

FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92

if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget

No, your message in a bottle does not find me well, it finds me drowning

My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!

In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.

you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type

*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence

9: Yummm! What’s that smell?

Me: Cereal

Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.

The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you

Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set

At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*

DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting

*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin

3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.

Me: Which one, buddy?

3: Any of them.

My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.

Sorry I said “it’s probably burning him” as your baby cried during his christening.

[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?

Me: Yeah

*bird screaching*

Girl: I said condom not condor

Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.

Girl:

Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?

Breakfast for Stoners:

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

#polloftheday

Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”

My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums

We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.