[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
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Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Hurricane heading this way guys, may lose power & cell service for awhile, so if I should happen to disappear, don’t buy the media’s bullshit, I was not abducted by aliens or taken on a cross country crime spree by some Hooter’s Waitresses… I don’t have that kinda luck.
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
Eggs are really expensive! I should know. I fertilized one six years ago.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
Once again I find myself asking “How long can I stay in the bathroom before one of my employees realizes I’m gone?”
Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”