[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
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6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
REMEMBER, if five people classify you as a “2,” technically, you are then a “10”…
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
My body is a wonderland. But that weird one Alice fell into.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
(gets pulled over)
wife: be nice.
cop: do you have any drugs?
me: yeah man help yourself.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”