Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
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When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
When I’m bored I like to call in sick to places I don’t work for. I’m getting written up at Home Depot
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
– Zebra walking past a self service checkout.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it