@DaddyJew

[at daycare]

Me: I’m here to pick up my son

Daycare: what’s he look like?

Me: *points to my face*

D: oh. Ok

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@karencheee

Marrying my gay friend bc it’s important for couples to have common interests and we are both interested in men!

@TheHoyBoy_

When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors

@SequelsWeWant

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

@ch000ch

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

@Sean_Burgundy_

When I’m bored I like to call in sick to places I don’t work for. I’m getting written up at Home Depot

@jazmasta

“Boop”

– Zebra walking past a self service checkout.

@junejuly12

My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.

@TheHyyyype

the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it