Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it

WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.

[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year

Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.

After saying something bold, scandalous and outrageous always follow up with, “That’s right. I said it!” Otherwise they’ll mistakenly believe what you said was dull and hardly worth saying. Just more of the pointless droning , on and on, they’ve come to expect from you.

Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral

Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?

Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.

Guard: visiting hours are up.

I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

Good morning.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.

In related news, I just broke up with my mom

The expired vitamins I take every two years aren’t working

i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol

In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real

You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.

Instead of killing yourself or a sherpa trying to climb Everest, you can just tell people that you successfully summited.

Much easier and safer

How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?

probably should have split this into two separate stories guys

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

in 3 months

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.

Me: *leaves body to science*

Science: *starts crying*

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.

This is painfully accurate 😅

me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund

store manager: that’s a rocket launcher

I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.

Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.

I need to wipe.

WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep

ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working