[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
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‘You have an important event coming up? OwmeeGod, count me in!’ -pimples.
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Keeping an extra close eye on 7 since she said that The Grinch is good at everything after she watched him spin his head around
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
due to inflation you can now eat food that has been on the floor for up to 7.3 seconds
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Husband: UGH that kid is JUST LIKE YOU.
Me: Wonderful?
H:
M: Charming?
H:
M: Light of your life?
H: [leaves room]
Me: [shouts] SUPER COOL?
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
I have so many questions.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂