[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

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*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*


No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.


BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.

Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.


Friend: Do you have a bird problem?
Me: No.
Friend: Why is there a scare crow in your compound.
Me: Oh that? That’s for people.


Falling in love is just like falling down a well, except one is dank, dark and scary, and can really hurt you, and the other is a well.


My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.


Dunkin Donuts: Sorry, we’re out of chocolate glazed.

Me: [about to lose it] No Mark, save this feeling. Use it for your art.


There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.


My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter

Don’t wake us up early on the weekend and we won’t abandon you in a mall