[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapist

lady: we have cole slaw

me: ok

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INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?

ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

I: About the job

M: What is the company Wi-fi password?


Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.

Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.


I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.


My boss told me to dress for the job I want, not the job I have. Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting in a Batman costume.


There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.


[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen


Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”


Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.


<~>Fortune Cookie<~>

We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.