Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saved you $50. You’re welcome.

I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.

Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.

My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.

Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

*meeting somebody from Canada*

So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me

Imagine falling in love with me then finding out I’m a slow walker

wishing you and yours all the best

Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!

Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update

Hey, if we have the same make and model car & you park right next to me at the store, don’t look so surprised when I get in your car by mistake, dude.

You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store

8-year-old: I’m glad it’s the weekend.

Me: You were only at school for two days.

8: You weren’t there.

I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.

7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store