Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”

There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.

Her: pull my hair!

Edward Scissorhands: oops

Her: why oops?

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.

ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing

Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.

[at a Doja Cat concert]

me [loudly]: PSPSPSPSPS

What happens if you fight a dinosaur?

You get Jurasskicked!

Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.

Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought

Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.

The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.

All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant

Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.

Grandmother clock.

Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*

Me: What?

dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection

Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

Me: Does the ceasar salad have anchovies?
Waiter: I meant questions about the menu
Me: But––
Waiter (grabbing it from me): The menu, the menu! Like “why no dollar signs by the prices?” or “did you draw this salmon icon?”

4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*

Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*

4: don’t want to talk about it anymore

it’s a van. how do they not know this

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”

Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495

REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?

ME: I did not realize that had started.