Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.

Like sleeping!

6. me as a lawyer

Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.

my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”

My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick

Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.

School be like

I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit

ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely

I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.

PER MY LAST EMAIL

My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*

Wife: Where are you going?

Me: You can find me in da club shawty

Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?

Me: Yes

“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation

I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.

There should be a good 15 hours in between waking up and having to interact with people.

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

Used to be you could wash your pots and pans immediately after use and be done with it. But you can’t anymore. Because of soak

Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

director: ok, hit the lights

me: *slaps a lamp*

director: no i meant kill the lights

me: *pulls out a gun*

My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.

My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔

A kebab made by a librarian is a

Shhhhhish kebab

#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe

“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”

Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us