Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
at Dick’s, it is a habit of mine to ask customers if they want their items in a bag after they check out.
today, a woman came up to the register with 2 kayaks to buy.
after ringing them up, i looked her dead in the eye and said “would you like these in a bag?”
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A birth certificate is basically a baby receipt.
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.
Unless life also hands you sugar and water, your lemonade is gonna suck.