Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

waiter: is pepsi ok

pepsi: take a look around you, does any of this seem ok

[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour

(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host

It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

[alternate universe]

Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵

Don’t tell me what to do

Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”

Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

“Shake your money maker”

Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*

me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]

guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve

Eve: it’s tomorrow

Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve

I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.

“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”

12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me

25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid

50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid

My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

I want to travel like a stolen kidney, handled carefully and packed gently in ice

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat