At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
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After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
One of my new rescue dogs is really into laying on the couch and watching FRIENDS.
I think he’s my soulmate.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
People that start a sentence with “Now I’m not trying to be rude” are either about to be rude, or about to sing Ignition by R Kelly.
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
TSA agent: is…this a…cattle prod?
Me: it’s for the wankers who crowd the baggage carousel
TSA agent: oh right then. go ahead
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Sorry I’m late. I saw a man licking the pudding off the lid wrapper and lost track of my entire life
She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.