Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?

There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao

Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.

Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.

the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined

I have some bad news about people who work in offices

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

Women out here dating guys with three felonies

but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.

Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements

Officer: oh no

Hostage: oh no

Kool Aid Man: OH Y

My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.

How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?

My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

My mom licked her thumb and wiped a smudge on my face in public today, and now I have an urge to eat all my vegetables and go to bed at 8.

Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?

Judge: I find you guilty of all charges

Neutron: This is some bullshit

Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.

I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

You’re the unreachable booger of people.

You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse

my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies

Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.

Thanks, Rihanna.

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful