At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
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I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
I feel as though we’ve come too far as a society to go camping on purpose.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Hungarian Prime Minister says his country has the largest trade deficit in Europe proving you shouldn’t go shopping when you’re Hungary.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Someone once told me it couldn’t be done, so do you know what I did? I immediately said, “Ok” and stopped trying and I’ve never been more relaxed.
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
Nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedPeople will remember:
-The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Probably my best painting.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!