Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.

*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?

I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.

As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.

As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.

As a man of men, I eat the beans again…

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”

We’re limited only by our imagination and like three or four federal agencies.

“This is all water! Now that was misleading”

-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.

Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.

[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*

I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.

My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.

What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus

[First day as a hacker]

Boss: what’s taking so long?

Me: adobe needs updating

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist

LMAO.

“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say

Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.

I’m in an aspiring artist Facebook group, and everyone shares paintings they’ve done of their kids but not usually the reference photos. Which is great, but I can’t tell if the kid’s just ugly or if the painter needs more practice.

The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?

“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”

Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.

*Swivels around in swivel chair*

*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*

Evil villian: WEEEEE!

that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker

This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is

Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.

if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

*bugs bunny*

bunny: stop bothering me

Your boss takes you way more serious if you text him a picture of him sleeping in bed..