Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”

hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad

“Ok thanks dad”

well shit

Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”

[At dinner]
Daughter: Daddy, how much of this meatball is meat?
Me: Probably like 90%
D: So it’s 10% balls?
Me: *spits out food*

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No

We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.

How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.

If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.

WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.

ME: {drinking toast} Why?

Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!

Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?

Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?

me: i need an appointment for tomorrow

receptionist: how about 9

me: no i only need one

My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana

Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.

Me: Oh, because of the virus?

Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.

Damnit Dave can’t you keep a secret?

A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae

He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it

I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.

BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?

SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.

Me: I am so tired and sad all the time.

Brain: Have you tried eating a lot of pasta, like A LOT?

[22 minutes later]

Me: That didn’t help at all and now I feel sick

Brain: Hm weird. Try again in like half an hour.

This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.

The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.

[home schooling, day 1]

Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.

Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.

Did it hurt, when my ice cream outlasted yours?