Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia

[criminal trial]

PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*

ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*

JURY: lmao, not guilty

It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.

The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate

A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.

Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed

ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too

DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?

ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?

To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.

My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet

These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.

*Bar fight*

Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.

Me: Ok.

*friend tackles guy at waist*

*me, singing falsetto*

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.

Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”

Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”

Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”

Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.

But it’s more likely a sociopath.

~Inspirational

It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.

If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.

I don’t understand how anyone could be a grave robber. How do you steal a six foot hole?

I am having an out of money experience.

Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.

I watched her squeeze into the booth, finish 3 Egg McMuffins, & stand-up.

“My knees are killing me, it must be the cold weather,” she said.

I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping

COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?

ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.

Him: Your test came back, and it’s negative.

Me: Whew! Thank goodness.

Him: No, your math test. You’re failing this class.

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.

Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach

When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.