Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m teaching my toddler that cauliflower is “frightened broccoli” and there is nothing you can do about it

Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.

Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork

Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!

Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder

Teacher: You know what, please don’t!

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct

There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot

I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.

Causes of childhood anxiety:

4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk

@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale

Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??

Batman: no, not really-

Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE

‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right

I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.

*At animal group therapy*

Moderator: introduce yourselves please

Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …

Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…

Sperm whale: do we have to do this?

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

Those are NOT normal gifts

-my 6yo listening to the 12 Days of Christmas

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?