[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
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The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
my girlfriend went to slip into something more comfortable six months ago which makes me wonder how comfortable you can possibly be
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
This could be us… but you playing
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
I feel bad for all the non-violent clowns who live in sewers
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
James Bond is trending so here’s ROGER MOORE in the greatest celebrity story ever. #JamesBond
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.