Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.

Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.

Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?

5yo: I made this for you.

Me: How nice! Um…what is it?

5yo: I was hoping you’d know.

How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]

Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.

Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.

Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings

Her: Why do you keep buying iPhones & iPads?

Me: An Apple a day keeps the doctor away

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”

And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”

Me: “That depends.”

Interviewer: “On?”

Me: “If I get this job.”

Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”

Me: “Great, no take backs!”

Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

Worth a try

I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.

[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*

Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.

Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?

1996: eww that’s gross

2016: head first without thinking

do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators

“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant