[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
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Dear Abby,
My pastor insists that being gay is wrong, yet he ends all his letters with the words “In Him”
Help!
Perplexed in Poughkeepsie
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Today’s tshirt
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Milking stools only have three legs, because the cow has the udder.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
Me going back to a library branch I used to work at to pick something up
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
a lot of yall don’t understand politics because your history teacher was the football coach