Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish

[1st date]

Him: Do you like magic?

Her: I LOVE MAGIC

Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]

Her: *Screams*

Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.

Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I’m not so sure what I did, but he sent me a text that only said, “K” so it must be pretty bad.

My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.

Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*

Everyone “I learned a lesson ”

Me: “Imma do it again!”

You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid

Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.

guys I’m going home

Me: I’m not old

My phone flashlight that’s been on for an hour for no reason:

Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.

“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”

-let me see your phone real quick

“You’re smothering me. I need some space”

This why you should mind your business

the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts

Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.

“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.

I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.

GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.

I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..

*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*

There are two types of people in this world:

1) Good people

2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.

After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom

Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt

I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.

Fun Australian fact for you – An episode of the English show Peppa Pig has twice been pulled off air in Australia after being deemed inappropriate for Aussie children. The episode’s main message… “spiders can’t hurt you”

Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

“I’ve invented the toaster”

SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?

“2”

SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8