Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!

Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.

Yesterday one of my students told me that if he ever he runs into a teacher out in public he will never say hello because it would “Damage his street cred” so I reminded him that he has no street cred cause his mom still makes his lunch

I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”

Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.

Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met

Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job

Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*

What happened?!

Me: There was a spider.

My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!

Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.

Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”

Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away !

the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old

I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.

I don’t actually need a house cleaner, I just need the threat of a house cleaner coming over as motivation

ANGEL ON MY SHOULDER: You should do that important but onerous task

DEVIL: No! Ignore it and have fun!

ME: Hm. Okay, compromise: I’ll ignore the task, BUT I also won’t have any fun

ANGEL: That doesn’t–

DEVIL: wtf, dude, no

ME: *scrolls through Twitter for 3 hours*

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.

My therapist: And how are you doing this week?

Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?

My apathy is at an all time whatever.

I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.

Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.

When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.

I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.

Me *jumps from one existential crisis to another*: Parkour!

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.