[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
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Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
A Viking in the midst of battle doesn’t have time to stop and cook dinner. WarDash™ brings your favorite meal right to your war.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
No, he would not have.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Her: I heard you like to break the rules
Me: [chewing a mouthful of silica packets] you heard right, babygirl.
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.