Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.

You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.

“I didn’t come here to argue.”

– people who definitely came to argue.

Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday

We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

COP: Can you describe the man who shot you?

ME: He seemed mad

very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids

A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”

I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”

If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you

Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

[moving day]

Me: Here we go. Bye house.

Husband: You forgot the kids.

Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.

I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….

Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head

8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?

Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.

I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.

[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.

[guy who’s about to invent urinals]

*peeing* i hate having privacy

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.

Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant

No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.

If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.

the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own

I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh