Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?

Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so

Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd

*flirting with a guy at work*

Soooooo, what do you do for a living?

Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today

I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.

So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.

I tried oscillating once. Not a fan.

*gets off on a technicality

Technicality: Perv.

Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.

The kids were asking me what time they were all born and I said the youngest was born at 1:29am, and they all agreed that it must have been nice that she just came out while I was sleeping.

It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!

I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.

In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.

Website: are you a robot?

Cyborg: *sweating activated*

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!

Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!

Me: Life really can’t get worse than this, can it?

Life: LOL you’re stuck in a car wash now

WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket

MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…

Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*

Husband: *cries*

The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

Boss: are you sticking to the schedule

Death: yeah of course

Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares

Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy

My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.