Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.

During love scenes in a Wes Anderson movie, the sound effects guy rubs a baguette against corduroy.

How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together

[blind date]

Her: so what do you do for fu..

Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

Dune (2021)

When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

Me: what do you want for dinner?

3yo: nothing.

Me: you want cheese on that nothing?

3yo: yes please.

I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies

Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?

My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is

Being a parent:

Hell hath no fury like your kid catching you throwing away Anything, Ever. I smuggle out broken crayons like a Mexican druglord ….

Hahahahahahahaah.

When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower

me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now

judge: it’s called “sentencing”

still really wild that Starbucks built its brand on ~artisanal cozy vibes~ and now it feels like you’re in there to get a blood test

[1st date]

HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season

ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees

Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba

Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!

Him:

Me:

Him: that’s a plastic produce bag

Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!

The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person

Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”

[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”

Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.