Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”

*stops abruptly at red light*

*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*

Him: What dat mouth do?

Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.

the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶

When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”

Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise

Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry

I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.

Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

[Interrogation]

Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me

*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl

Interviewer: what makes you stand out?

Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.

Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?

Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake

Not to brag, but in school I was voted “Most Likely to Cling to Past Achievements”

The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.

I’m very proud that I built my house completely by myself, with no help or prior experience. I often stand outside, hands on hips, just basking in the accomplishment. (Can’t go inside, EXTREMELY unsafe)

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it

my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill

It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.

My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…

My son just hugged me.

Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.

Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.

HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.

Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.

It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story

*guy getting eaten by a shark*

Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.

Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.

guy at the gym: hey can you spot me

me: ya you’re not even hiding

Ran in the store to get something healthy for breakfast

I got to tell you that this peanut butter, chocolate iced donut is delicious

After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos