Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon

4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here

The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.

Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter

I asked my boyfriend if he believed in trolls and elves and he said, “slightly.”

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’

I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.

Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.

There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.

I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.

I like my women how I like my microwaved food.

Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.

In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’

[Hospital Parking Lot]

Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.

Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.

A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.

Your proctologist called. He found your head.

Husband: “Lost my keys again.”

Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”

Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”

cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way

me: which would you prefer

cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you

Seismologists are loyal to a fault

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”

Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please

vendor: sorry cash only

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom

Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?

[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em

Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.

cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume

me: is there a law against it?

cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession