Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time

If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.

ok like just. call me at this point

ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES

Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:

1- Hey

2- Macarena

My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.

Parents,

Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?

Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.

the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about

batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes

robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what

I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.

Divorce court is like regular court except the judge sentences you to freedom.

I’ve been threatened several times, shot at once, and had a gun pulled on me 3 times, and yet I’ve never been intimidated by anyone except this damn toddler

Overheard

Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.

WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?

MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?

*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*

My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine

Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.

honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice

78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…

I’m no longer his favourite kid.

Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?

The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.

If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.

My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.

She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.

Surgery didn’t go well.

Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

Me: Nice new car, boss
Boss: Well, if you set yourself targets, work hard, stay focused, next year I’ll be able to buy an even better one

I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.