[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Don’t fall for the ‘Deep-fry your money in batter’ investment scam – that’s how I frittered away all my savings.
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
why would tinder want me to say this
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
I tried being a Disney Princess but them damn budgies keep loading the dishwasher wrong
New menu item
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Just saw a woman eating pickled garlic straight out of a jar and although it was terribly disturbing, it did remind me that I really need to move that mirror
Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born