Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift

Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…

Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.

Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.

*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter

“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”

I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

[Call from cell company]

We can give you 15 gigs for $100

Me: Excellent!

*Puts the band back together

My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.

Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him

~ cats

When I say “we’ll see” there’s a 100% chance it’s not happening. I might throw in an “oooooo that sounds fun” for decoration but it’s still not happening…😁

I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts

9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.

Me: That’s every culture son.

My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.

*In fancy restaurant*

Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?

Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh

Trapped on a train in the snow, and honestly, none of these people look appetizing.

It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.

Welcome to parenting — the only hobbies you have left are the ones you can do in the bathroom.

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee

“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”

-meteorologists

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

2019: Crowd surfing

2020: Channel surfing

Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice

I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.

me after i passed that state trooper

the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations