Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations

Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.

Life is like a roller coaster: There are ups & downs, you often feel like vomiting, but in the end there are weird pictures of you for sale.

How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.

“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.

Been living in Texas for over a decade and have never been invited to a shindig, orgy, hoedown, hootenanny, or anything

Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.

my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse

Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!

However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.

Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep

Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation

I was out on a walk when I saw a sign that said, “Man wanted for robbery.”

So I went in and applied for the job.

Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.

Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered

Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!

Tech Support: how much had you written?

Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences

Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.

Not allowed near mannequins anymore

Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.

Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?

Brad Pitt: Let him stay.

*reindeer smoking in interrogation room*

…*exhale*…

…Old broad was in the wrong place at the wrong time.

Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.

tis the season

Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.

I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

*holds boombox over my head outside your window

Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?

“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]

Text:

Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.

Her: K

There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots