[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Post Malone isn’t as good at defending his house from the threat of burglars as his brother Ho is
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Of all the things the Internet has lied to me about, the ease and enthusiasm with which a cat will ride a Roomba is the biggest.
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
The same fruit bar has been going back and forth in my kid’s lunch for so long that at this point it’s load-bearing
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I said “temperature’s dropped!” to someone I always pass on my walks and he replied, “I actually thought it was quite warm today”
That is NOT in the script. You’re meant to say “winter’s on the way” or “soon be Christmas” or “nights are drawing in”… something that roughly…
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
🙅🏻
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord