[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
You Might Also Like
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
Cause of death: Zumba
TSA guy searched my bag. Found my idol light sticks.
Him: “The hell are these? Mini Yoda lightsabers?
Me: “Oh they’re just light sticks. For concerts and stuff.”He then fucking leaned in and did a Yoda voice.
“MMH. MASTER RAVER, I AM.” He said.
Blindsided me.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.