Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.

“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”

-person who invented hand dryers

The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.

[in the driveway]

It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?

Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?

WAITER: what can I get you?

ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having

WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*

[1st Date]

Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…

Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?

*visiting Egypt*

“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

I heard that #TheDress debate has already destroyed 18 relationships. These people probably shouldn’t be breeding anyway.

IRL

I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.

Instead of texting “here”, last night one of my friends knocked my front door just like our ancestors used to

[rap battle]

me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise

my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok

Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.

Until you realize you live alone.

I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good

Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.

~inspirational

im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying

[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*

911: Could you hide in the closet?

Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!

911: Under the bed?

Me: I can’t fit!!

Son: Coming ready or not

Me: shit

911: shit

Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*

I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”

A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”

A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”

Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.

Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence

Wanna know how to make your own beer? Just pour root beer into a square glass.

The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me

I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?

*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*

Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.