Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.

You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.

You can’t have both.

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.

[sitting on the deck with my son]

Me: look son, everything the light touches-

Son: yes dad?

Me: -you have to mow.

Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?

Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS

Interviewer:

Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

[me as an uber driver]

yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable

I still won’t want to talk to you after coffee, it’s a beverage not a miracle

I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records

men’s fashion peaked in 1838

My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.

#Caturday

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?

Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??

Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”

Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday

them: your tweet is missing a word

me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?

There’s no such thing as Sasquatch

Those are just men who live with shedding cats

mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?

optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life

Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?

Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*

Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat

Fact: you spend an average of 1.3 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the damn paprika

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.

The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.