At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
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It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
At my funeral will you make sure the pallbearers say things like
“Wow, She’s so light.” and “Is she even in here?”
Its true…
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
One big plot hole in X-Men is that Wolverine is over 100 yrs old but there’s never been a point in history when that was a hairstyle.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
I’m running to 1996 if anybody needs anything
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories