At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
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Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I had a rough childhood. I saw things that no one should ever have to see. For example, The Phantom Menace.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
I wish I tried half as hard at anything as the cooking world does to substitute regular pizza dough with random bullshit.
I’ve spotted six Pokémon today but I don’t have the Pokémon GO app so it may just be that I need my new meds adjusted.
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
Me: The older I get, the less I care who sees me naked.
Post office employee: Thank you for at least wearing the mask.
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life