Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.

WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!

ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.

Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?

just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys

@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?

do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun

me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.

The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.

The migraine that follows.

I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.

My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower

Guy: But-

Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave

Guy: *Drives away*

Woverine: Oh no you didnt!

C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.

Ladies, if he:

– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteries

He’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.

I cleverly paired my housekeeping work with my cardio, and now I can’t get myself to do either.

My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.

Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda

Every time my phone rings

i tried to clean up my chrome tabs but it turns out all 200 of them contain information that is vital for my survival

Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?

Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.

Emperor: That sounds plausible.

Salad was likely invented after someone picked everything they didn’t like out of their meal and put it on a separate plate.

Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark

me: why does nobody like me

therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic

me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how

this has done me in for some reason

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

oh you hate me? name all of my flaws

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.