At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
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It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
I’m beginning to suspect I wasn’t sold a corgi
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
Front page of cnn.com features “Cats that look like Hitler”. Just not enough other important stuff happening in the world, I guess.
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
Walk in the club wearing my transition lenses like “What up who’s here gimme about 30 seconds and then we can get this party started ladies”
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
Pretty much. 🤣
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.