<At Duel>
“Draw your weapon”
Me: *frantically trying to sketch a bear with gun legs & a shark head.
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An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
one time my uncle showed up to thanksgiving dinner with a leprechaun who was wanted by the fbi in 12 states & that night changed our family from being simple, uneducated hill folk to simple, uneducated hill folk who now knew a dangerous leprechaun
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
paycheck hit. i’m at the bouldering gym like “bring out sisyphus”
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Suspect thinks you’re mad at them cause you used too much punctuation in your text message
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario