Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds

Me: I was refilling my vape

Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that

Not to be all get off my lawn about it but at what point are we going to decide that maybe our vacuums and our refrigerators don’t need to connect to the internet and I shouldn’t need to have a password to do my laundry.

Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.

You Matter.

Unless you multiply yourself by the speed of light squared.

Then you Energy.

My mom when I was a kid:

“Never talk to strangers.”

“Never get in their cars.”

Me to my future kids:

“Here’s how to order an Uber.”

I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.

How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.

My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”

satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-

me: wow you’re tall

satan: thanks?

me: how tall are you?

satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?

me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

[first day in prison]

ME: so whatcha in for?

HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions

ME: how many is too many?

HUGE CELLMATE: one

ME: oh no

Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?

one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert

A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.

[Speed Date]

Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!

hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting

me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong

hypnotist: idk whatever

[later]

me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much

When I unsubscribe from an e-mail list, and they have one of those annoying surveys asking for a reason why I unsubscribed, I click “Other” and write “I used to make sweet love to your CEO and these e-mails are a painful reminder of our time together.”

if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn

Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!

I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.

i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone

Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman

Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅

bully: gimme ur sandwich

me [pulls knife]

bully: hey man I don’t want any-

me: -crusts. i know

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.