Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate people who take drugs. Like customs officers.

Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant

Mom: *hysterical crying*

Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*

Her: Do you wanna do it?

Me: Do what?

Her: It.

Me: What’s it?

Her: You know… It.

Me: Oh… I call first player.

Her: Wait, what?

My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.

My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up

One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.

14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?

Me: I had you when I was 24.

14: So we’re like 10 years apart.

I call my mother twice a week. Or as she refers to it, “Never.”

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.

Then eat it in front of them.

Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice

You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?

Vodka

I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.

I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.

A coworker just said she couldn’t change the printer ink because she’s very sensitive to electrodes(?) and didn’t have the right crystals to counteract(??)

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

ME: I declare bankruptcy

CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico

My friend is an excellent librarian.

I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.

Fat chances are my favorite chances

When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.

Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?

I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time

Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho

me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit

I’m tired tomorrow.