Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.

*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*

*Adds history major to resumé*

*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*

ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR

HER: do you want dessert?

ME: ok, but just a small slice.

I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.

I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters

Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.

It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones

me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.

I was supposed to be abducted in ‘03 but my chain wallet got caught on a fire hydrant and they beamed up the squirrel I was feeding instead. God speed tiny ambassador of earth.

unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]

i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent

[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right

I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.

1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.

2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.

3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.

You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.

I hate how, no matter where you move, smoke from the campfire always follows you.

[ I pause upon entering the Sears Optical Department. The smoke watches me from Homewares, pretending to look at a blender ]

9: Where’s mom?

Me: Out the back

9: Australia?

M: Out THE back, not the Outback!

9: What’s she doing?

M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think

When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster

8yo: You’re annoying me!

10yo: No, you’re annoying me!

Me: Guys, guys, guys. You’re both annoying me.

Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.

WebMD: In the morgue.

No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.

Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.

sensitive skin