At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
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Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
When you stop being a vegan –
is it called losing your veganity ?
hand it over!
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
My husbands jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day he looked at my calendar and wanted to know who June was.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
This squirrel eats better than I do
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams