At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…

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ME: My New Year’s resolution is to eat less
WIFE: Good!
ME: (very, very quietly) …vegetables.


[See’s a guy playing bagpipes]
Son: Why’s that man wearing a skirt?
Me: I think the real question is why is he sucking that musical octopus?


When I say to my kids “sit here and watch cartoons” they hear “come and bug me while I am trying to take naughty pictures for daddy.”


I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.


My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.


If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.