@Mom_Overboard

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

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@CorkyCrash

I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”

@Cryptic1iam

Me: I’ve read the Bible cover to cover

Her: Yeah? Prove it.

M: How?

H: What is the first sentence in it?

M: “Do not remove from motel”

@lisasopinions

Facilitator: Any questions about the sexual harrassment course before we start?
*raises hand*
Me: Is “harass” one word or two?
F:
Me: Thx

@thedad

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

@ArfMeasures

Son: How does this end?

Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland

Son: No this movie

Me: Shrek marries Fiona

@LostFelicia

Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*

@GroovyTasia

Me: Pikachu, I choose you!

Pikachu: The restraining order says 500 feet

@Cherbearxo

Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.

@PaperWash

How is there not an STD Clinic called, “Clap on Clap off”?