At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
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That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
people who do mutinies should be called mutants
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
ME: Hey buddy, your dog left a little ‘present’ on my lawn
GUY: Huh?
ME: *points to tiny, nicely wrapped gift* Thank him for me, willya?
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.