At ease
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If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
I’m about to risk it all
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date:
Me:
Date: when the waiter said there’s your food, did you say “okey dokey”?
Me: ok you heard that
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
My most impressive dance move is carrying a watermelon.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Ever notice most Ford names are more fun to say when you put “anal” in front of them?
Probe, Explorer, Excersion, Ranger…
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.