At ease
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Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
My group chat full of childhood friends was blown away by the realization that one member reads the newspaper at 7am then doesn’t look at the news for the rest of the day, and the rest of us are seething with jealousy.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
I went to the gym and ended up watching tennis for an hour.
I blame ESPN for my eventual demise.
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
You’re never alone. Theres mold
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
I sent youse two to whack that freakin’ guy and instead youse screwed it up like a couple of
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”