at ease…shoulder.
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Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
You might think off-brand products are, “just as good,” but I learned my lesson at Lollapalooka.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Computer: Login failed. Did you forget your password?
Me: oh shi–[Cut to my password waiting alone on the side of a soccer field]
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
Respect
Message from the dog groomers
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
I used to work at McDonald’s and we only told ugly people that the ice cream machine was broken
So I have bad news if you were ever denied ice cream
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
