at ease…shoulder.
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lost another rap battle bc i couldn’t rhyme anything with arthritis
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
My boyfriend got mad at me the other night because I was talking about ghosts when I knew he had to walk down a dark hallway the next day.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
It’s weird how nail clippers seem to breed in your bathroom drawer then scatter when you need a pair like some bizarre version of Andy’s toys.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
Can someone wake me up when this nightmare is over?
*lies on floor, closes eyes tight*
(in customer service line at Walmart)
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!