at ease…shoulder.
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[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
grocery bagger: paper or plastic?
me: i brought my own. come, Christopher.
pet kangaroo: *boing boing boing*
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”
~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Signs your wife is cheating:
1. Weird cologne
2. Emotional distance
3. Late-night abences
4. She introduces you to her boyfriend
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you’d brought a knife.
I bet that Heimlich was just a perv who molested people from behind, and one time accidentally saved someone from choking.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Let’s Go
“SAY IT.”
“I’m a dirty little plant.”
“And what do you want?”
“I want you to water me.”
“I’m gonna water you so hard.”
“That’s how I like it.”
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
My 10 yo is talking to me past 9 pm. Why is he attacking me like this?