at ease…shoulder.
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Anyone else having a near life experience today?
There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
I’m definitely getting on top of the laundry. It’s a great place to nap.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
Chocolate cheesecake so good you forget that your wife told you not to eat it.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.