At ease
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Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
How to stop Facebook Live and Marketplace notifications:
1) Open Facebook app
2) Go to Settings
3) Throw your phone into a river
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever
so awkward to break up with a friend at the Renaissance Fair who is the back-half of your Centaur costume 😥
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?