Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore

ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day

FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?

ME: no, I just had the one

This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.

ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.

Dear people who think every tweet is a “subtweet” about you,

IT’S NOT.

except for that one from earlier

maybe?

Regards,
Ry

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

ㅤ

Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.

If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]

“I know you’re not really an armadillo”

Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours

“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

APPLE TV+: Our latest show stars four Oscar winners and costs $75M per episode. We have done zero advertising for it and it has been viewed by approximately 47 people.

NETFLIX: We’re excited to announce a seventh season of our most watched show, Airport Bathroom Toilet Camera.

Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.

Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War

Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.

Me *pointing gun* give me all your money

Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol

Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix

Bank teller: you want it in 20s or

By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?

Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.

the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

I forgot take my phone to the bathroom, so I had to start an argument about politics with the guy in the stall next to me

I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet