[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
You Might Also Like
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles
God: you literally just have to empty the dishwasher
The 9 levels of midwestern anger
9. “jesus, mary and, joseph”
8. “Woah woah woah”
7. “Hold your horses”
6. “Jeez Louise”
5. “For Heaven’s sake””
4. “If I had a nickel for every time”
3. “Well, now wait a minute”
2. “For Pete’s sake”
1. “Listen here pal”
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
former classmate: i am happily married with four kids, a house, two cars, an rv & a boat.
me: i am a llama. i live in an enchanted forest with a squirrel wizard. we eat magical berries & those berries give us powers which we shall use to find & slay the evil dragon king.
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
“how to not gain weight when you schedule 10 dates in 1 week”
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”
My wife and I hadn’t cried together in a long time, and then tonight she dropped a full martini shaker.
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
The worst part about getting sucked up by the tornado you’re filming is to die knowing your wife was right. You are an idiot.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.
She’s…..
Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.