@mjkspeaks

[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

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@runawaycupcake

“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.

@DamienFahey

Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.

@WilliamAder

My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.

@ArfMeasures

Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce

@TheReal_AndyMac

The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer per year. That’s 41 miles per gallon…which is not bad.

@NewDadNotes

[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]

@Ivsy01

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

@TheBoydP

Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.

@bigkefd

Ppl freakin cuz its sharks in the ocean. News flash: that’s where they live! If u see them at Chipotle, then we have a problem