[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
You Might Also Like
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
This meeting could have been an email. That email could have been a fistfight in the alley
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I love how this generation broke the previous misconception that “people with tattoos can’t get good jobs” and now we all agree that “people with and without tattoos can’t get good jobs”.
In the mornings lately I find evidence of carrots or celery in my daughter’s bed from her late night snacking and I’ve never been more concerned that she might not be mine
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Going forward I’m only saying I love you to cheeseburgers.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
ME: in closing, all of the facts I’ve presented today prove that Bush did 911
PRIEST: and now the bride will read the vows she has written
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”