[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.

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“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.


Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.


My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.


Me: That is a dank whale

Date: That’s a killer whale

Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce


The average human walks 900 miles per year and drinks 22 gallons of beer per year. That’s 41 miles per gallon…which is not bad.


[NASA March 1970]

Me: 13’s unlucky. What if something bad happens?

NASA: dude why would you say that out loud!?!

[NASA April 1970]

[everyone in the Apollo 13 Mission Control slowly turns to look at me]


Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.


Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.


Ppl freakin cuz its sharks in the ocean. News flash: that’s where they live! If u see them at Chipotle, then we have a problem