Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.

You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself

*Wins Lifetime ACheeseMent Award

Me: Oh my Gouda, I can’t Brie-lieve this…

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong

ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings

GENIE: dude

My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

[at a movie theater]

Cashier: Can I help u?

Me: One large cornpop please

C: Sir it’s the other way around

Me: Ok- can I help u?

Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)

[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey

This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.

Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.

My wife and I will be sleeping.

Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.

The year 2035.

Razors now have 47 blades.

Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.

Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.

If you ever suspect you might be in a horror movie just don’t do anything! Dont go anywhere. Sit down lol just take a nap

*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*

me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

Trying to transition into becoming a hat guy but want to make it seem natural so I’m wearing a very tiny hat and will wear a slightly larger one every day until I’m just wearing a normal hat.

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.

You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick

NOBODY:

GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*

The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.

Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.

The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.